The Prudent Man's Shopping Survival Guide
This one of a group of columns written for syndication. I hope you enjoy it.
(My second book -- Jim The Wonder Dog and Other Things Worth Knowing -- will be published in October.
(Also, I'm available for presentations to conventions, sales meetings and other groups. Please contact me for available dates and fees.)
The Prudent Man’s Shopping Survival Guide.
By Mark E. Johnson, Jr.
Thanks to my wife Rebecca I know many things. She is always right, even when she isn’t. When we’re lost, she has an astute sense of direction that brooks no challenge regardless of where we may be or end up. And she can identify any spider from an altitude of from three to five feet depending on the size of the spider.
And I have learned that there is a difference in black shoes for women. Most men I know have black shoes. I have four pair. They seem to cover all the bases.
The first major injury in my marriage to The Goddess (small cut under the left eye, no stitches) came after I observed that I really didn’t see a need for 22 pair of black shoes, especially since they all looked the same. Her subsequent lecture – after the bleeding stopped – covered heel height ( 3” is good by the way; 6” will make your hands sweat), materials (a number of different pigs, cows, and no telling what else paid the price), and toe shape. They still look the same.
Because of my extensive experience, I feel obligated to offer the benefit of my wisdom to those of you who have made erroneous and sometimes painful assumptions about the nature of women and their shopping habits. These observations are made in a positive spirit of goodwill and are by no means a condemnation of women in general and those with credit cards in particular.
Never, ever, for any reason, with no exceptions, ever say: “You don’t need another pair of shoes.” Those simple words can often have more power and long-lasting repercussions than “Honey, I’m having an affair with the new choir director.”
Do not ever say anything about the price of shoes (or any other garments) unless the woman has first clearly indicated that she believes the price is too high, and even then be very cautious.
If the price is astronomical and no comment is made, your response is “hmmmm.”
The woman is not without feelings for the man, and she will make you feel as if she truly values your opinion. She doesn’t. In any shopping situation, you are a toadstool.
There are two rules in a women’s lingerie department: (a) don’t point to items of intimate apparel and say “Wow! Would you look at that!” or (b) look eager and quietly lick your lips.
In a clothing department, you are to walk three steps behind making innocuous comments that mirror the woman’s comments, no matter how vague or completely nonsensical they may be. (Example: “These black pants are … but then I don’t have anything… well, there’s that top we bought when … did you see this … hmmm bet they don’t have it in my size … guess we’ll keep looking.” Your response in its entirety: “Right.”) Don’t ever have a contrary opinion because you then will be asked to explain that opinion, and you can’t and she didn’t want you to anyway. (See “Toadstool,” above.)
At the end of 7 minutes, it is permissible to excuse yourself and sit down. Make sure she always knows where you are. (See #4 above.)
You are not in a hurry. In fact, if the shopping trip takes the same time as a normal NFL game on the Sunday you are shopping (which would be the same NFL game your shopping partner promised you would not miss because she just “needed to pick up a few things,”) you are not in a hurry.
During the shopping process, you will be asked a certain number of questions. Here are a few of the most common ones and my suggested answers.
QUESTION: I’m going to run upstairs and see if I can find a blouse to match this skirt, OK?
ANSWER: OK.
QUESTION: Are you in a hurry?
ANSWER: No.
QUESTION: Wasn’t that a pretty girl?
ANSWER: I didn’t see her.
QUESTION: I thought the game started at 1.
ANSWER: What game?
QUESTION: I’m glad you came with me.
ANSWER: Me too.
QUESTION: Do you like this dress?
ANSWER: What’s important is what you think about it.
QUESTION: Do I look fat in it?
Fake a seizure.
©2005 Mark E. Johnson, Jr.
(My second book -- Jim The Wonder Dog and Other Things Worth Knowing -- will be published in October.
(Also, I'm available for presentations to conventions, sales meetings and other groups. Please contact me for available dates and fees.)
The Prudent Man’s Shopping Survival Guide.
By Mark E. Johnson, Jr.
Thanks to my wife Rebecca I know many things. She is always right, even when she isn’t. When we’re lost, she has an astute sense of direction that brooks no challenge regardless of where we may be or end up. And she can identify any spider from an altitude of from three to five feet depending on the size of the spider.
And I have learned that there is a difference in black shoes for women. Most men I know have black shoes. I have four pair. They seem to cover all the bases.
The first major injury in my marriage to The Goddess (small cut under the left eye, no stitches) came after I observed that I really didn’t see a need for 22 pair of black shoes, especially since they all looked the same. Her subsequent lecture – after the bleeding stopped – covered heel height ( 3” is good by the way; 6” will make your hands sweat), materials (a number of different pigs, cows, and no telling what else paid the price), and toe shape. They still look the same.
Because of my extensive experience, I feel obligated to offer the benefit of my wisdom to those of you who have made erroneous and sometimes painful assumptions about the nature of women and their shopping habits. These observations are made in a positive spirit of goodwill and are by no means a condemnation of women in general and those with credit cards in particular.
Never, ever, for any reason, with no exceptions, ever say: “You don’t need another pair of shoes.” Those simple words can often have more power and long-lasting repercussions than “Honey, I’m having an affair with the new choir director.”
Do not ever say anything about the price of shoes (or any other garments) unless the woman has first clearly indicated that she believes the price is too high, and even then be very cautious.
If the price is astronomical and no comment is made, your response is “hmmmm.”
The woman is not without feelings for the man, and she will make you feel as if she truly values your opinion. She doesn’t. In any shopping situation, you are a toadstool.
There are two rules in a women’s lingerie department: (a) don’t point to items of intimate apparel and say “Wow! Would you look at that!” or (b) look eager and quietly lick your lips.
In a clothing department, you are to walk three steps behind making innocuous comments that mirror the woman’s comments, no matter how vague or completely nonsensical they may be. (Example: “These black pants are … but then I don’t have anything… well, there’s that top we bought when … did you see this … hmmm bet they don’t have it in my size … guess we’ll keep looking.” Your response in its entirety: “Right.”) Don’t ever have a contrary opinion because you then will be asked to explain that opinion, and you can’t and she didn’t want you to anyway. (See “Toadstool,” above.)
At the end of 7 minutes, it is permissible to excuse yourself and sit down. Make sure she always knows where you are. (See #4 above.)
You are not in a hurry. In fact, if the shopping trip takes the same time as a normal NFL game on the Sunday you are shopping (which would be the same NFL game your shopping partner promised you would not miss because she just “needed to pick up a few things,”) you are not in a hurry.
During the shopping process, you will be asked a certain number of questions. Here are a few of the most common ones and my suggested answers.
QUESTION: I’m going to run upstairs and see if I can find a blouse to match this skirt, OK?
ANSWER: OK.
QUESTION: Are you in a hurry?
ANSWER: No.
QUESTION: Wasn’t that a pretty girl?
ANSWER: I didn’t see her.
QUESTION: I thought the game started at 1.
ANSWER: What game?
QUESTION: I’m glad you came with me.
ANSWER: Me too.
QUESTION: Do you like this dress?
ANSWER: What’s important is what you think about it.
QUESTION: Do I look fat in it?
Fake a seizure.
©2005 Mark E. Johnson, Jr.
posted by MEJ at 7:17 PM
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